Sorry...

I want to blog
But I couldn't find the words to say.
Everything is scrambled in my mind.
But all relates to one thing.
And that's I wish she'll forgive me.
I don't even care anymore whether its my fault or not.
According to Maine, it is.
I dunno, dun reli wanna think about that.
Why such a small thing can lead to such big dramas?
Why?
Never mind don't answer that.
I don't want to know why.
I just want one thing.
And I think she knows what I want.
What I need.
Because she is my kar zhe.
Always has.
Always will be.

Sorry to you too Maine, and the rest of the Chan family.
I shouldn't have joined such a foolish act.
Especially you Maine.
After all these times you've taught me so much.
But I didn't put any of those to use.
Instead I've become someone I hate.
Someone
Who
Hurts
Her
How can I despise those college friends of her?
When I am as much as a jerk as them?
When I am just as insensitive as them?
I don't deserve her.
But she treasures me so much.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
I'll listen to every order you say.
I will not fight back against your commands.
If you say don't, I won't.
If you say stop, I mute.
I know my credibility is quite low.
I don't even trust that I can do it.

First thing's first,
I'll need to forgive myself.
And I'll need to let go of my hatred.
My self-centered thoughts.
My egoistic mindset.
Because I always think its unfair.
Always hurt by negative feedback.
When what I should do is,
If its true, accept and change.
If its not, forgive and forget.
That's what I should do,
not keep it inside my heart until rage is formed.

I'm going to change.
But can I change?
What if I got lost again?
What if my emotions took over me again?
What if, I cannot take it anymore?
And worse,
What if I repeat this mistake once more?
There's nothing I can confirm now.
But I'll certainly put some efforts into it.

Sorry.....